I just realised…………

Running away

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of me leaving me Ex. 

Alot has happened since then.

It feels longer than a year with everything that has happened.

I am stronger.

My mind is clearer.

I am healthier.

I have a better relationship with my Ex.

We realised recently that we loved each other as just friends for along time.

We were celibate for the last four years of our relationship.

I Think it was due to depression for both of us. Our libidos were low.

Though when I got on antidepressants and mood stabilisers for my Bi-Polar my libido returned. 

It wasn’t nice standing before someone naked, still damp from a shower asking for sex and have them basically scoff at the idea.

I know that sounds weird. But we fell into a rut after his father died and never recovered.

In the end I left.

We were having arguments. Some that ended with me saying I didn’t know whether to stay, go for a little bit or just leave.

He never answered. He later said he’d hoped we’d work it out.

But leaving has been good for both of us.

Though I shouldn’t have done it the way I did.

I hurt too many people.

Not just him or me. But my family as well.

 That’s when I met the fake Dom. When he tricked me.

That was the beginning of a dark period for me.

That’s when to a very dark place.

A place I don’t wish to visit again.

NEVER again

My psychologist doesn’t want me to bring this period up with her just yet.

We need to lay some ground work first.

Oh God, I just want to forget it all.

My psychologist says the reason I don’t want to talk about it and the fact that  want to forget it is because I have PTSD, from that period.

All I know for sure is that I wish it had never happened.

Deep breath, cuppa tea, a cigarette, meds then bed. 

Sounds like a good idea. 

Think I need a extra anti anxiety pill tonight. 😦

 

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Who am I

I don’t know.

I feel lost.

I have been feeling the need to be with someone who needs me. No wants me.

I want to make them happy. Cook for them, Clean for them. Just look after them and have them look after me. Both physically and emotionally…Sexually?

I have always had someone to catch me when I fall or stumble.

There is no one there anymore. I am lonely.

I know my friend is there but he is useless. Its all about him. Whether we are just talking, hanging out or in bed.

I get no satisfaction. I’ve only had one orgasm given to me and that was by “accident”, never on “purpose”. I swear I do a better job myself with my imagination.

The fantasy that I use always involves a strong man who knows what I want just by reading my body language or who knows what I want before I want it.

Someone who takes control and isn’t afraid to take control.

I am sick of being asked if I like this or that. If this or that feels good or my suggestions. Or what I tell them I like being ignored or worse not done properly.

I dream of my body being devoured, taken control of, of allowing myself to give myself over to someone else. Give them control. the power to satisfy themselves and me in ways I can’t even imagine.

What bliss that would be.

Dare to be

Spirituality and BDSM

After Reading this, I feel that this is now more than ever the way I should go with me life. But where to start??

Wandering Curiosity

I was reading an article on Spiritual BDSM Finding your Spirituality in Service and there was a shared thought at the bottom of the article I found interesting:

BDSM is very close to a religion for me – to me it is about lifting people up and showing them their internal energy and power. A dom acts a guide and submissive acts as the vessel of energy. The sacraments are time, trust and orgasms when a sub gives certain power away they awaken to their own inner strength and deification. We are all deities. The dom leads on the sub’s journey and the sub shows the dom in similar ways. @darkpaladin on Twitter

I’ve been thinking a lot about spirituality and my spiritual journey. These articles I have mentioned and will be mentioning gave me an insight that maybe on my journey to find a spiritual awakening per se, I…

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