I just realised…………

Running away

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of me leaving me Ex. 

Alot has happened since then.

It feels longer than a year with everything that has happened.

I am stronger.

My mind is clearer.

I am healthier.

I have a better relationship with my Ex.

We realised recently that we loved each other as just friends for along time.

We were celibate for the last four years of our relationship.

I Think it was due to depression for both of us. Our libidos were low.

Though when I got on antidepressants and mood stabilisers for my Bi-Polar my libido returned. 

It wasn’t nice standing before someone naked, still damp from a shower asking for sex and have them basically scoff at the idea.

I know that sounds weird. But we fell into a rut after his father died and never recovered.

In the end I left.

We were having arguments. Some that ended with me saying I didn’t know whether to stay, go for a little bit or just leave.

He never answered. He later said he’d hoped we’d work it out.

But leaving has been good for both of us.

Though I shouldn’t have done it the way I did.

I hurt too many people.

Not just him or me. But my family as well.

 That’s when I met the fake Dom. When he tricked me.

That was the beginning of a dark period for me.

That’s when to a very dark place.

A place I don’t wish to visit again.

NEVER again

My psychologist doesn’t want me to bring this period up with her just yet.

We need to lay some ground work first.

Oh God, I just want to forget it all.

My psychologist says the reason I don’t want to talk about it and the fact that  want to forget it is because I have PTSD, from that period.

All I know for sure is that I wish it had never happened.

Deep breath, cuppa tea, a cigarette, meds then bed. 

Sounds like a good idea. 

Think I need a extra anti anxiety pill tonight. 😦

 

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6 thoughts on “I just realised…………

      1. When I started having PTSD during my 2nd year of therapy, it took a couple of weeks to figure out what was wrong. But once it was clear, my shrink insisted it be dealt with immediately… i would have lost my mind if he hadn’t done that… i dont know what your shrink’s strategy is, but if you know you need something, I would speak up and demand it. That is what you are going there for…

  1. Have you told her you feel ready? That seems strange to me she wouldn’t be supportive of your willingness to share and work through a traumatic experience.

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