I hate being broke all the time. But thanks to my depressions and anxiety I am currently on a disability pension.

Since my medication change earlier in the year and getting therapy, I feel alot better. I feel I could get a part-time job in a quiet environment for now.

It would give some extra cash and move me further along with me journey to being able to stand on my own to feet.

At the moment I make a big pot of meat and vegetable soup and freeze it into portions so I can have it over the fortnight until my next pension day. I’m not fused on soup during summer, but it’s cheap and healthy.

My psychologist wants me to plan days out, even if it’s just out and have a picnic. But sometimes I can’t even afford the bus ticket. Not after rent, food and paying bills. Especially since I’m paying off debts and paying for a storage unit, that’s $170 a fortnight.

I’m not asking for sympathy nor am I asking for money. I’m just venting.

My pride would not allow me to accept any offers or allow me to ask.

I need a new phone. The battery on mine is dying. It lasted 2 1/2 hours and two phone calls before it died this morning. Grrr, at least the phone company has plans which I can get the new phone, Thank god I’ve paid my debt off with them. The plan with new phone will still mean that I won’t be paying them so much per month any more. I save $40 a month, yay food money. Actually the sad thing is that I spend that each fortnight on food, May be able to actually afford a piece of chicken and some fresh vegies for a change 🙂

Small thing seem so good now. Life is simpler,Less complicated. I like that.

My want of a DOM has nothing to do with money. It’s all about my needs in other areas, I think I’ve already spoken about it, but I wish to reconfirm my need.

My needs are simple. I need someone to guide me, take control. Catch me emotionally if I fall. Tell what I need, Show me what I need. Emotionally and physically, Dare I say sexually as well?

All the men in my life so far have not done this. I have always thought they could stand up to me. Help me, Guide me. But they have failed me in that way.

My lovers, though few, have always been that typical male who doesn’t know what their really doing.

Who wants to be asked what they like or want when your in the middle of being intimate??

I have so much to learn, so much to be taught.

No just sexually but in life in general.

I was never taught how to budget, though I think I’m doing a great job despite that.

I have to relearn how to interact with people. Though I know how, it’s how I interact with people when I’m frustrated and a little pissed off. I have learn how to talk to people again. I hope that makes sense. Who cares I know what I’m talking about.

Though I was late to loose my virginity (5 months and 2 days before my 30th Birthday), I have never been afraid of my sexuality. Though I am obese I am not afraid to be naked in front of a lover, whether new or one I’ve been with for awhile. Obviously they could see that I was obese and still chose to be with me.

Though I am not ashamed to be naked in front of a lover, I do have body issues. Weird I know.

I am not afraid to say I am curious about being with a woman, I prefer men.

I have never though any of my ideas or desire about sex have been wrong. Nor have I thought that my curiosity of sex and kinky stuff have been weird.

I just remembered that there was one man a DOM that was willing to guide me and teach me. That was a great weekend.Mmmm, beautiful. Just a pity I stuffed that up. I shall talk about that another time.

I am beginning to think I sabotage myself. I don’t know why. I keep thinking that I don’t deserve happiness.

I can’t take a compliment and I find it hard if someone is nice to me for no reason. I can thank my parents for that. It was always “That’s lovely, but….” “You look nice but….” or if they did something nice for me it was thrown back in my face at some point.

I love my family. I just can’t be around them very often.

Enough venting for tonight. I am tired.

Time for meds and bed.

Goodnight  saying


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