For Those Who Hurt On Mother’s Day

john pavlovitz

Tear

Today is Mother’s Day.

For many people that means flowers and handmade cards and brunches and hugs and laughter. It means celebration and gratitude and rejoicing.

But for some it just means tears.

For many moms and adult children out there, this day is a stark unsolicited reminder of what was but no longer is, or it is a heavy holiday of mourning what never was at all.

This day might bring with it the scalding sting of grief for the empty chair around a table.

It might come with choking regret for a relationship that has been horribly severed.

It might be a day of looking around at other mothers and other children, and feeling the unwelcome intrusion of jealousy that comes with comparison.

Consider this a love letter to you who are struggling today; you whose Mother’s Day experience might be rather bittersweet— or perhaps only bitter.

This is consent to feel fully the contents of your own heart…

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Where the hell have I been?

  

Good question.

I have been lost.

For two years the focus was on trying to get a better place to live, something bigger so I could get my stuff out of storage and have more money. I struggled each fornight, I kept having to ask my parents for money for food or medication.

So my finaces have improved,  I no longer have to borrow money.

I have all my stuff out of storage. I’m actually feeling a little overwhelmed by it all actually. I didn’t realise how much crap I have.

My stuff had been in storage for two years, but even then, when I openned boxes they smelt like my ex.

My ex is a large man, Over 200kg. As with all large people we worry about being the smally fat person, so spray deoderant can be a friend. He used (and I assume still does) it in all his skin folds. The smell of his deoderant was in virtually every box I had from the unit we shared.

Even in the hand held vacuume, I’ve used it I don’t know how many times since I got it out of storage, but still I can get the faint smell of his deoderant.

I still have junk boxes to go through, they’re like junk draws only boxes.

I’ve been trying to sell some of the stuff I don’t use on ebay. But there is still alot which is just going to charity.

 But at the moment it is sitting in bags and boxes in my loungeroom. There is also stuff that is to go to my parents place and there is a box here that someone else was going to pick up. If it was all gone I’d have so much more space.

I have a appointment with a employment agency tomorrow. They help people with mental illnesses get work. It will be so good to have a job. Whats held me back going for one is the big hole in my resume left by being unable to work due to being sick.

I could do with the extra money. I need to buy furniture. For one thing I need a new bed, my is broken, I wish I could say it was from something sexy. But, alas, it is not anything sexy. It was a cheap bed given to me and it didn’t like the move. 

I’ve started to try and improve my health, not just by eating properly, well trying to. but by also exercising. I managed to get gym membership for free for 60 days, after that I can apply to have fee assistance with membership. I’m also going to the obesity clinic. My last blood test wasn’t good. I’m pre diabetic, which means I am a higher risk for diabeties. Last blood test showed insulin resistance levels weren’t good.

I’ve also decided to enter the dating game. I’ve never dated so I have no idea how to do dating. My ex and I just “fell” in to our relationship.

So, my life is moving forward. 

I’m scared, but a good scared.